We of the female persuasion have been conditioned to ask our loved ones this question. Do you really want the answer to that or do you want your loved one to respond the way that you want your loved one to respond? Think about this. Are you setting your loved one up? I say yes you are. If your loved one tells you that the dress that you are wearing is not flattering on you, how will you respond? This is a difficult subject for most couples. Do you get upset and cry if your choice of clothing is not what your loved one finds attractive? Your loved one is caught between a rock and a hard place. If your loved one tells you that you look beautiful in anything you wear then is that the truth?
Setting up our loved ones is one of the most diabolical actions. If you do not really want to know what your loved one’s opinion of what you are wearing, then you don’t need to ask. Look at what you are wearing. Do you feel fabulous? That is what is important! What your loved one wants is to see you happy. Understand? Make your own decisions. So how could you ask this differently?
One day, I asked my husband what he thought about a dress that I was wearing. I wasn’t sure about how it looked on me and I really wanted to know his opinion. He shared his opinion. “You look like a dowdy grandma in that dress.” was his comment to me. This was not pleasant but was the truth. I didn’t get angry at him because I knew that I really didn’t feel great about the dress. That dress was donated to our local charity because this was not how I saw myself. I am grateful for his opinion. Another day, he shared his opinion about a dress that I was wearing. I absolutely loved this dress and felt great in it. I kept that dress and continue to wear it because of how I feel in that dress.
My husband’s opinions are always valued. I appreciate his opinions in my life and value what he feels. I can hold space for his complete honesty and love him. That is what we do for each other. In the same vein, I have commented on his clothing and told him what looks spectacular on him and what doesn’t look flattering. He also appreciates my opinion and makes his own decisions about what he wants to wear. He does not have to change his clothing to accommodate my opinions and neither do I.
If you are having arguments that are related to opinions, stop. We are able to have our own opinions and respect each other at the same time. Neither one of you has to be right. Reserve the right to disagree and still love one another.
Master Relationship Coach
Kari Petruch
