Anger is a necessary emotion. What? Yes, it is. All emotions are necessary. It is not that you feel the emotion of anger, but what your actions and behavior are when you experience this emotion. You may ask why we need this emotion…or you may already know why. Anger is a survival emotion. We need anger to help us when we are in true danger. Anger gets your adrenaline moving so that you can protect yourself or someone you love. Remember that all emotions come down to Love and Fear. Anger is in the fear category. If you remember nothing else about anger..know this. When we are angry at someone or something it is because we are afraid of not getting what we want or we are afraid of losing something that we already have. Read that again and let it sink in.
What if your partner’s anger isn’t anger at all? What if their expression of hurt is angry? Let’s take a pause. This is where I usually give a disclaimer so I will. If your partner’s anger results in abuse of any kind, seek help immediately. Just call my number and I will help you to find a way. Sometimes people express their hurt feelings in the form of anger. Anger keeps you away from them and places a brick wall between the two of you so that you will stop hurting them. That brick wall will eventually affect your intimacy and your level of communication. It can be difficult to break through that anger to get to what is bothering you. So.
If you are the one in your relationship, your partner is the one, or both of you have this struggle then what can you do differently?
One step in the right direction is to begin to take a different path.
If the anger is coming from you then ask yourself that why question? Why am I feeling this way? What is the threat?
If the anger is coming from your partner, then ride the storm for a few minutes. Ask yourself what it is that your partner is trying to tell you. What is the threat?
This is just a small step in breaking through that brick wall even just a little bit. And when you are angry, remember this…
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
You and your partner can break through to intimacy and give each other the compassion that you need. Together you have all the power!
Master Relationship Coach
Kari Petruch
