If you have ever experienced an abusive relationship, then you understand that telling the truth instead of lying is not easy. Many people who have experienced abuse are more than afraid of admitting that they made a mistake. Some of these will lie by omission or they will blatantly lie to their partner. The fear is related to the consequence they will suffer for the mistake and how to avoid that consequence if possible. In other words, if the consequence for spending too much money is that a partner will hit, yell or withdraw affection then the abused will lie.
When however, two people are in a relationship where honesty is highly valued then wonderful intimacy happens. Honesty and integrity are highly valued in my relationship with my husband. In this relationship I have had the courage to speak the truth and realize that the outcome of that truth is more intimacy. It is sometimes difficult for me to tell on myself when I make a mistake because that truth telling can be uncomfortable. Sometimes my husband doesn’t like the mistake that I made. That is okay. I know that he loves me. I know that all he wants for me is my happiness.
You may ask if telling the truth hurts someone then why would I do that? Let’s look at that in a different way.
Say, for instance, that a woman who is overweight asks her husband if she looks fat in the dress she is wearing. What does he say? He doesn’t want to upset his wife with the truth and he doesn’t want to lie. Either answer has consequences. He is being set up for manipulation and possible punishment. For this woman to ask her husband this question, she is asking him to buy into the lie that she wants to tell herself. She is overweight and clearly knows what the answer is to this question. So what does he say? “No, honey, that dress does not make you look fat!” Her husband is in survival mode.
A better choice of answer would be…” Honey, how do you feel when you are wearing that dress? If that dress makes you feel fabulous then you should wear it!” On the other hand, if you as a woman are asking that question then you need to stop. If you are reading my blogs…refer back to the mind reading game from a previous blog. As my father used to tell me often…” If you don’t want the truth in the answer, then don’t ask the question.”
A relationship based on the trust of honesty and integrity brings an intimacy that is unparalleled. This practice in all of your relationships will bring you the best people in your life that are meant for you. I challenge you to the truth. I challenge you to learn to trust that your partner will love you even when you make mistakes. You and your partner are worth the effort!
Only you and your partner have the power to achieve ultimate trust in each other!
Master Relationship Coach
Kari Petruch
