Whose fault is it anyway? Is it yours? Is it theirs? That is one of the most difficult problems to solve in any relationship. Your partner said something that you don’t like and you feel hurt. Then…do you believe that it is your partner’s fault that you feel hurt? Your partner knows that you don’t like them to talk with food in their mouth but continues to do so. Is your partner doing this to deliberately hurt you or do you continue to focus on that and choose to continue to feel hurt. When you feel hurt…you choose to feel hurt. You are ultimately responsible for your own feelings and reactions to what others say and do. READ THAT AGAIN.
So why play the blame game? Because of your need to be RIGHT. Nearly all arguments can be narrowed down to this imagined need. So do we actually need to be right? No. What? Yes, we do not need to be right. Do most of us think we do? Yes. That is how we are indoctrinated into our society. We admonish people for making mistakes and we judge them by belittling them. We want perfection in everything and condemn others for not living up to that expectation of perfection. Only recently have we finally realized that imperfections are beautiful.
Blaming others for their imperfections or blaming yourself feeds a need to be right. “It’s your fault that I stubbed my toe because you called my name and distracted me.” “It’s your fault that the trash didn’t get picked up because you didn’t remind me to take it out.” “I am crying because you said you didn’t like the color of my dress.” “I am angry because you said you saw some grey hairs on my head.” Oversimplification? Yes. I am sure that you get the point. Blaming doesn’t usually turn out the way you expect. What does happen is the emotional merry-go-round. I will write more about that another day. The point is that “blaming” does not give you the closeness that you desire. Each time you blame someone for anything, you build a wall of mistrust. Can you knock down that wall? Sure you can. That is called forgiveness.
The next time you feel the need to blame your partner for something that they said or did that you didn’t like, think these three statements before you speak:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
I have countless friends, family and clients who use these three statements on a regular basis and they say that it works. It has worked for me for many years. And…very rarely.. it does need to be said.
The Relationship Reigniter
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